Entries 2025

Here is 13/13

enjoy!

Entry # 26

Dear Reader,

Preface:

I’m sitting down and writing what comes to mind, continuous sleepless nights. {very unoriginal I wonder where I got it from} 13 entries. 13 sleepless nights. hope you enjoy <3

1/13

Are there really good years for everyone?

It was rainy for a week or two down here in south Texas. Cold and fresh. Gloomy at some points. I’ve made it a habit to make my misfortune an aesthetic. What's it about being (almost) mid twenties that makes me want to uncontrollably throw up. Im collateral? its self detrimental! I’m not far from becoming {insert existential crisis here} but thats just the way things go. Winter is the only where things aren't so chaotic for me. Cold weather {hardly}, holidays, love, closeness, my jackets finally make an appearance, and maybe a few drinks I’m tearing up on a random Tuesday.

Christmas has passed. The tree was more full than usual. It’s the quite opposite of last years Christmas. Yes, I know it's not healthy to compare your life but for the sake of dramatics, I will on here. Despite knowing what I got this year I still felt surprised. Now that there's a new addition to my family, this year felt full of color. She has turned my world technicolor. So many blessing this year for not just me but my family. Without fail there were ups and downs but when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. An over used phrase but one that holds meaning each time I’ve decided not to crash out in the middle of the day worrying about the million things I had to do and the million things that didn’t go my way.

I try to make light and easy New Year resolutions. 2024 was about being free in my choices and not feeling so controlled by my struggle to control everything and feeling like a failure when I didn’t. drinking less (this one I added halfway through the year). Read more :), and be more graceful. Have fun and don't feel so weighed down was the motto. I feel as though I achieved through these goals. kept it going despite the many and huge obstacles this year. emotionally and physically. 2024 was mainly about reflection and allowing myself the space to grieve and embrace the chaotic-ness of change and how time passes by so fast.

2025 Is the year of being Intentional, no confusion nor doubts, Being focused and realigning priorities, Reading more books, and focusing on self-love and self-care, you know the usual. Those are my goals for this year. also maybe and only if it happens, embrace dating. haven't dated in a while.

Anyways. Im setting up good boundaries here with myself. Healthy goals, and reflecting.

Happy New Year’s its the year of the snake.

From the saddest movie I just watched in my room,

Chris

Merry Christmas, Please Don’t Call - Bleachers
the way things go - beabadoobee
For Free - Lana Del Rey

Entry # 27

2/13

Dear Reader,

I knew it, I knew you.

There’s a lot to reflect upon. New Year. I’ve gone through a lot of changes these past two years. One that I would like to write about is how much I've realized how small my city is.

Out of all places, you show your face at my job. Out of any stupid freshly 20 year old, you decided it was best to settle on me. Years later and here we are. Theres no one in this situation with the upper hand. At least in this dynamic. That might sound very psychotic and confusing. But one thing I did learn about all of which I endured from that, is that deflecting from a victimized self-loathing person is difficult and eats at you until you are unrecognizable. The meaning behind “upper hand” is not coming from me but from the shoes I’ve stepped in to understand. It's not an easy thing to comprehend and there's no way I'll be able to write it in a comprehensive email. So here's where I’m at currently with all of that.

It might not seem like I've moved past it, but I have. There’s resentment and hurt from all of that, but nothing that has held me back as of recent. Things don't always go as planned, so we keep it moving. don't ask why. This person does not control nor dictate how I see myself nor my friendships nor my relationships in any way. I’ve cried it off, I've laughed it off, and I'm not in a place where I feel angry nor hold any sort of grudge. I've never been that kind of person. It the was the worst time. In my head, I gave a part of myself to someone did with it all that I wouldn't do. It was out of boredom! that phrase I will never un-hear.

Dear reader, I've been painted and hung on the wall as a liar. 4 years of miscommunication and unheard, swallowed up pain, I’ve shrugged it off. what an underwhelming ending.

Theres not much to say on that except that I only look forward. Best foot forward just in case.

from my camera roll,

Chris

Space cowboy - Kacey Musgraves
Gave you I Gave you I - Gracie Abrams
YA YA - Beyoncé
Lost Track - HAIM

Entry # 28

3/13

My car’s broken down in the middle of the street. I am convinced I’m only cursed during the summer. Ultraviolet waves through my skin. I walk through the heat that would burn so many other bitches.

Yesterday I skipped my vitamins, waking up late with pain down my spine. My face is numb, forgetting to take my contacts out before bed. I’ve got a few missed calls at 5:00 am. I’m fighting with the wall. I can’t seem to find the space to be heard. Hope you find the reason to come up to me. Tell me about how you swallowed up your pain.

Wednesday comes

I lock myself out of. my car. I remembered I missed your call. What if I took your call? It would go like:

Hey, I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, or spoke in person. I keep reaching out and you’re kind of dry or don’t respond at all, and that’s ok. I don’t got much to say. I just lied when I said you haven’t changed since November.

Did you get my missed call? Am I reaching? Fake fantasies in my head. You said you’re going home and not coming back. What am I supposed to do? I’m giving you the chance to be honest.

remind myself, don’t insert yourself where you don’t belong. No one likes a control freak. Spitting on the street, counting in my head how many times i’ve been interrupted. In my mind, I loosen the grip of your high wire.

Entry # 29

Dear Reader,

4/13

Mother. Sister. Daughter. Legacy.

To be a woman is to grieve and endure the pain of what once was, yet be resilient to counteract the forces that set you out to fail. To be a woman is to constantly break the barriers that try to mold you Into falsehood. To be a woman is to light the fire and keep it small enough to get you through. To be a woman is to not be weak, but not be strong. Hold yourself together and those around you. To be a woman is to be a daughter who dreams for everyone but yourself.

I am a man who was raised by women. A pastor did not teach me about Faith and God. It was the mothers and daughters who were willing and able.

2000.

My cousin on my father’s side redefined motherhood. She gave birth to a boy who was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 3, and soon there after it was discovered he had Ataxia Telangiectasia. (A-T). He had less than 10% percent of survival. Her strength became his strength. God granted him 23 years, years that have defined her and her daughter. Her daughter was the glass child who learned and accepted the sidelines. She loved her brother fiercely and keeps his room the way it was and will always be. 23 years, as close to forever as they could ever get. 23 years I will always remember.

1948.

My grandmother lived her entire life in Veracruz. Married the man with an Italian lineage. (I saw the 70s photograph, Italian where? idk.) Had 9 children and kept the ranch she and her children grew up in running. She raised all her children on her own. Her husband died in the early 90s. She is the legacy that has inspired the generations through her. from Mexico to America. Mother and daughter reunited after 26 years without seeing each other. The legacy that runs through the blood of the great women who raised me.

1997.

My mother immigrated to the United States in January. The cold water from the river she crossed with her sister and brother, still causes pain just like the scars from her c-section that I caused. well more like she caused since she’s the one who decided to get pregnant.

She left behind her girlhood, and redefined what a mother, sister, and daughter is to her. Through all that was set for her to fail, she triumphed. Raised three of children and at times on her own. She built up the man who is her husband (and my father). She is the face behind the great man that he is. She takes her vows to the grave. She’s dreamt for her children and raised them to be worthy of the strength they’ve earned. Because her pain is also my pain.

When she returned to home, she cried for the tree that has stood in front of her home for decades maybe even a century. There, her lineage is rooted.

2025.

The daughters in my family became mothers. children that turn your world technicolor. It’s a new world, a gold rush of learning to unravel the legacy and secrets of the women before them. There’s no word for how they feel. Its human.

from the forever that hides in my pockets.

Chris

The daughters - Little Big Town
Mother - Kacey Musgraves
All Falls Down - Lizzy McAlpine
Second Nature - Bon Iver

Entry # 30

5/13

Are we here just once? Or a billion times?

I know existentialism exists heavily in my emails. It's the prime focus of the questions I ask myself. But at times, I say to myself, Who cares if I’m here again, You’re here with me, and I know what I feel.

Winter interlude.

I remember the first fall of snow. 2003. My dad has me in his arms. one of the few times I can remember he carried me. I remember the way down the stairs. Things I will take for granted, things I will look back on and feel some type of pain. It’s not regret but a pain of the mortality of time.

I remember his face. A love you only see from your father. an old Geo Prizm car parked under the tree. Almost chrome under the snow. It is a core memory that has defined my introspection.

memory is a strange thing.

deliberate scheming.

from short notes on my iPhone.

Chris

Almanac - Volcanic Choir
American Teenager - Ethel Cain
Northern Attitude - Noah Kahan
Paralyzed - S. Carey
Punisher - Phoebe Bridgers

cryptic and machiavellian… soon.

Entry # 31

6/13

Epilogue:

I walk through the wheat field, Texas Summer on my skin. Cicadas are singing on the trees behind me. The smell of the mud puddles, and the feeling of missing what I don’t have is in the air. I made it this far without it. The shadows of what could be, stain the walls of a home I do not know.

There’s a piano in this room. I place my finger on the sticky keys. One note fills the room. It’s enough to let it linger in my body. The sun shines through the window, making sure nothing isn’t touched. The piano hasn’t been played in a very long time. If it could feel, it would long to fill the air with music. But it’ll forever remain still and propped.

I will remember.

if its all meant to be then it will be.

I forgive what wasn’t, and I embrace it all as it comes back to me.

short one for now,

from the elegies that eulogize me,

Chris

The Lakes - Taylor Swift
Staying - Lizzy McAlpine
Breakthespell - Mk.gee
Thoroughfare - Ethel Cain

Entry # 32

7/13

Time is moving slow.

Counting down,

Hand on the pulse, sex still on my skin. That vanilla aftershave is my favorite kind. It’s denial, but you keep your face on mine. I look into you. You got nothing to say. It’s feeding the fear.

Pour my feelings into this vodka cran. You’re supposed to think about me every time you hear this song. Life move faster than me. My medication far off in the corner,

Single black cap.

If I pretend I’m someone else will that turn you on? If you’re offended then say a prayer. Let it be part of the destiny. I’m scared of letting you see all of me. But when you come over, that’s a different story.

Come inside, I spent all day taking care of myself.

Cool tattoos and a wink from afar. 2007 smile paired with a boot cut jean. It crosses my mind when i’m out with my friends. I’m not asking you to change your life.

Entry # 33

8/13

I have this recurring dream.

I spent my summer seeing you at every corner. Stuffing all my hair down the drain.

Time is everlasting, I can't wait that long.

Going home to a house all alone ‘cause nobody stayed. All of my friends found friends who care. And if I speak I’ll make it worse. I can be emotionally easy to read.

I hang upside down from the foot of my bed. Listening to songs that would turn you on. Last time you slept in my bed, you faced the other way. Am I in the loop?

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets.

I’m getting drunk on an empty stomach. I’m afraid so I jerk tears till I’m getting picked up off the floor. I want to be the voice living in your head. No matter what I did it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Mom and dad are getting older, I’m wanting it back. What becomes of me when I am all alone? I lost my way…

I keep reinventing myself, but it won’t stop the bleeding.

I’m mending myself, time is everlasting

I can’t wait that long.

looking in the mirror again and again.

Now I’m In It - HAIM

Entry # 34

9/13

Everywhere I go, I pass a version of myself

I got old so fast.

There’s a lot of doubtful feelings that I’ve been having, with myself, with others, school, work. There are definitely moments that I’ve taken for granted, but you get nowhere yearning for something you’ll never have again or ever had. By all accounts I shouldn’t be this functional,

I’ll hold you in my hands.

And I don’t recognize you in real time.

May the grief that causes me pain never fade, because I am lucky to have experienced and loved someone so much that I will endure missing them for my entire life.

but I am.

Because there is so much to be grateful for despite the fears, doubts and uncertainty. So much love to give, so much love to receive.

but you're not what you thought you were

From everything that I don't know,

but also everything that I do know, and all that I am feeling. It all stays the same but it all changes, I don't always do well with change but I also procrastinate hence why I sometimes send these really late, but I don't really care because I get busy, but now that im done with school you'll hear more from me so yea.

Entry # 35

10/13

As I stand by the waterfront, I can see you in the distance. I do not know who you are, but you are waving at me. I can see what you’re wearing, a suit. The wave crashes at my feet and you are gone. I finally get the courage to sit on the sand. All that’s forward, the sea that’s held me before and what will hold of me after that.

I think about the times I asked my dad to help me reach the sky. Who would I be without saying everything I wanted. That September is not the whole world.

I think about how I used to hate the sun. Now I got holistic recipes on my notes app and stones in my bag.

The water retreats far out, exposing what’s been hiding. The air is colder, and shallow. I walk forward with clenched hands. Who would I be if I did not know what I want? What I could be? What was meant for me?

I suddenly feel the water return, a fast surge that almost wipes me out. The tide only gets faster. I can see myself in the reflection, and now I really see.

I knew who you were. I know what’s to come and I’m angry. I cannot go back.

I want five more minutes

Just five more minutes, please.

Five more minutes…

please.

From writing and rewriting this one.

Chris

How Dare You Want More - Bleachers
I Saw The World Behind Me. - denn.

Entry # 36

11/13

Life’s unfair

All my friends are out tonight. I stay in. I don’t wanna share my space. So I end up spiraling into the chair in my room. All these contentious feelings. I don’t trust myself at all. I’ve been closing myself off in new ways.

Im on my 11th night and Im pretty sure all my friends are tired of my existential nonsense. I think about it all the time. What’s joy if it’s not cursed? What if I run out of time? Gave it my best, is it enough?

I gained a little weight but I still haven’t donated all the clothes that don’t fit anymore. It’s a little shameful, but if I don’t run out of time, I’ll lock in and lose all that I’ve gained. I stare into you and now I only see me.

My friend calls me up and I tell him how I’m sinking from all the pressure but I don’t think he’s listening. I tell him how my sisters are beautiful mothers and maybe one day I’ll have one of my own. They know things that I don’t. He says get to focusing, you can’t lose more time. I say I’ve been feeling alone, I’ve been so sad. And he says, to quit whining, I don’t need to exile myself 6 feet under. I tell him how I hate walking the thin line of not knowing. He says I can’t read your mind, what’s really going on? I tell him I gotta go.

From scenes that I play In my mind,

Chris

the 1 - Taylor Swift

Entry # 37

12/13

There’s heat on the window.

I leave all the lights on and forget my keys inside. I’m stuck outside in the heat. I stare at the door and think about how I just had dream like this. I hate the summer, can’t stand the heat. Sometimes I feel like the futures gone with it. I find my way back through the window, the ceilings start caving in. I bet you remember when you heard my mom say to me that she doesn’t like you over the phone. The look on your face when you realize that you don’t belong. The green painting you left on your window. Don’t talk down to me, you know how I hate when my throat closes up.

Where did we go?

The walls cave in and I realize my room is on fire. Maybe I forgot to put the cigarette out. Do you see the different faces on the wall. They’re all the same. I’m heavy on being seen, you can stare into me, visions of who I’m not. I remember the times we shared a bed, crawled up next to me, don’t you notice? You’re coming up short. The cut in my cheek makes me hate you more, I chew the ice to cool the pain. Now I feel like I should throw the ice to the flames that are coming up from under the door. The handle on the door is cool to the touch. I ask myself,

Where did you go ?

I need you to miss me

I think about it all the time.

I need you to miss me

I think about it all the time.

I need you to miss me

I think about it all the time.

I need you to miss me

I think about it all the time.

From the dying fire alarm on the wall,

Chris

David - Lorde
California - Joni Mitchell

Entry # 38

Prologue:

I have been tangled up with all the words I could not say. All the times I woke up hungover from keeping all the heavy feelings and leaving them unsaid has been written for you. Darkest days to the brightest, revelation and transparency breaks through.

13/13

Dear Reader,

Take a look in the mirror

My friends say I disappear too much. I’m just staying up all night, sneaking out in the car. Maybe this cigarette will solve all my problems. Then I get so existential and crawl under my bed. Maybe I grew my hair too long, waited months. Stared in the mirror too long? Prepared the picture frame for the flame.

After all these years I got to say you never changed. But I lied when I said that. your face is so much older. You have not yet realized the ash from your flame. Now we both stand face to face.

Who are you?

I scream GIVE ME A REASON

You stare at me with nothing to say back. Your face says it all. And so does mine. It’s all considered done. I wish I knew what you were thinking not just now, but previously in those small time frames. what can’t wax can’t wane. All we’ve ever known is failed faith. You have no answers, so you walk away.

I stand alone.

I pack my shit, head to the airport. I hate when things get difficult. This twisted knife. It’s not all in your head. cover my face from the fear, all while I’m on the edge. You just took something from me that I will never forgive you for.

Feel so free, out of control. A black car picks me up from the airport. I drop my bags at a Hilton. I’m right at home. Staring at the clock, the countdown on the screen.

I run away because it’s all I knew how to do. I give up because it’s what I conditioned myself to do. I’m hard on myself because I taught myself the fear of failure. Why do things have to change?

breaking myself apart.

From the Nissan to the Phantom to the Plane.

I disappeared again for a couple of months. I’ll see you change online, take the greatest and bury them 6 feet in the ground. I find your responses so condescending. I’m dealing with the aftermath of you. My darkest days don’t even compare.

It is my human condition to let fear through the door. White clean teeth, not when I smoked half the pack. Not everything is as I say it is. Practicing how to set it in stone. I starved myself thinner, breaking muscle down. Was it not enough.

Gunshot to the chest, the traffic lights are burning. I’m getting on planes again, sitting at the lounge thinking if love is meant for me then I wouldn’t be afraid of seeing your face thousands of miles away. Spending my days with my head out the windows of cabs and stressing over “if they love me they’ll love me”. Pictures on my phone to remind myself I’m leaving a part of myself behind.

I ask myself… Where did I Go?

Do you understand?

Getting my shit together. But you’ve taken over my mind. Every image, fast forward then rewind. It all comes over me. Feeding into the fantasy, read it out loud to me. Crying at your funeral, I remember that song.

It all changed for. Did it change for you?

Will I see you again in a million years? All that I’m thinking, all that I know. I remember telling you, I keep it all to let it be. Time is everlasting.

You’re running out of time.

you can live again. Felt you through me. I sit and stare at the ceiling. my screen time is turning my skin pale. I sleep alone and I’m completely fine. I’m not holding it steady when I’m semi-afraid of getting older, being alone in a room full of people.

I have all these unfinished projects on my desk. I’m all alone in my room, all that I ever known, slipping through my hands. I’m not afraid of the change thats coming ahead. Forwarding my emails, trashing my files, will I ever love again?

what is there left to say…

I burned all the files.

Sincerely, The Chairman of Emails at Midnight.

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